To my wonderful, caring, sweet sister Ashley...

Our Ashley, oh how I love you so much. So many times in my life do I think and wish how we lived closer, so we could spend more time together, and our kids spend time together. My heart aches to be by you. :) I've thought a lot about you this year and tried to think of the great perfect things I could do for you. It wasn't until the Fall that I found what I could do.

First, Ashley is really good about being healthy and sets a good example to her family about exercising and eating well. At the first day of school, Zelda's teacher asked for volunteers. One specific volunteer position that she didn't have any parent volunteer for during the first week was someone to do PE with the kids every week, at the same time. I told her I would love to do it, but that Gates would be with me. So, from the beginning of the year, I have volunteered in Zelda's class every Thursday, and I do PE with Zelda's Kindergarten class. I bring Gates in the stroller and spend 1.5 hours on Thursday mornings doing rotations of PE groups. :) I have such a great time seeing the kids get physical and exercise. They love when they see me come in as well and get excited that it's PE day and it is so sweet. Thank you Ashley for helping your family be healthy.

Another way I served Ashley is a way that I never would have imagined. It might be more of a selfish way that I served, but I do feel like it was serving her as well. And serving all our family. In July of this year, after we moved into our house, I started feeling not so great. Or actually, I guess I started not feeling at all. As months went on, I began to not care about things. I was becoming numb to everything. Come September, for Ryan's angel anniversary, I wasn't doing so hot, and that month I began to decline even more. I wasn't living life. I was just going through the motions just to get through each day. I wasn't living. I was just surviving.

Now, in the spring, in about March, I was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression. I pretty much knew that it would probably happen, just because of everything I had gone through, and what I was dealing with. Grief, blending families, dealing with "extra" things that caused me to have major anxiety and feel anxiety attacks for the first time in my life. Just everything in life overwhelmed me.

But then, in July, I started feeling worse. I have a widow friend who in August wrote about her personal struggle from Clinical Depression. When I read it, I was just astounded. I was reading exactly how I was feeling! I'm going to use some of her words because she described it so well... She said "this debilitating disease has nearly taken life from me..... for the past 2 1/2 years I have been battling with the more common kind of depression. The one where you learn how to wear the "I'm OK" mask and push through hard days, enjoying the good ones as they come. I had many days where I could enjoy life where my heart and my mind would connect. Then, for seemingly no reason, the dreaded dark cloud would come and suck joy, excitement, interests, passion, drive, and positivity right out of me, leaving just enough so I could still carry on and function. There were many days where my kids feel like burdens rather than gifts, and then there were days where I just couldn't get enough of them. Sounds pretty common to you moms out there, RIGHT? But for me, even during the days where I enjoyed them, I still didn't feel like myself and I knew I was struggling when I would actually find it painful to smile as they shared with me something silly that happened..... I soon had more bad days than good.... I crashed and entreated into the deepest depths of a new kind of depression... I turned into a completely different person and literally broke. My body broke, my mind broke, my heart felt like it was breaking over and over again, and all I could do was scream in agony day after day and night after night, 'Help me God, help me....My family came to the rescue and helped." I want to mention here, that my sweet Garrett has always been here by my side. Supporting me, loving me, unconditionally loving me when I was not there. When the woman that he met in November 2013 and married in February 2014 was gone, he still stood by my side and vowed to help me.


I started to feel this way in September, and I got to my low low low point in mid October, and got to my breaking point in November, a little after Gates's 1st birthday. I realized that I didn't enjoy my sons first birthday. I didn't care about it. I didn't WANT to live it. I didn't want to do anything. It was bad. In October, I called my therapist and set up an appointment for the first available appointment, which was mid November. When I went into that mid November appointment, I was not doing well. I had a bad episode the night before, and at my appointment, after taking the intake questions that you do every time you go in, my therapist was worried about me. Very much. Very, very, worried. So worried, that she said "Tiffany.... it's time to take care of yourself. You need to work on YOU! You are doing so much for your family and keeping it all together for them, but it's time you worked on YOU and get YOU BETTER!" She told me I needed to do an Intensive Outpatient Program (which I will call IOP for the rest of this post). It is a 2 week course, Monday-Friday, from 9:00am-12:00pm everyday. When she said this to me, I thought "Lady, you are crazy... My husband has a job he has to go to everyday, I have 5 kids, including a baby, there is NO WAY I can do that!" But that's when she said "You need to work on getting YOU better." When she said that something clicked in my head. I knew she was right. I had to fix me first. And when I am fixed, my family can be fixed and can be taken care of.

So, the Monday after thanksgiving, I started this 2 week IOP program. Garrett helped some days, and I hired a babysitter some days. Some days I would tell Garrett "I feel like I would do much better if I just took a 3 hour uninterrupted nap." I would laugh slightly, also thinking that was true, but I would still go to my class. And I would enjoy it. I learned a lot. I learned how to better take care of me. I learned how to deal with certain anxiety, depression, and anger situations. I learned coping mechanisms that have really helped me. After 2 weeks of this class (and a trip to my psychiatrist where I upped my meds), I really felt so much better. I was no longer just living each day to get through it. I was living it and feeling more. I was smiling more, I was laughing more and I was enjoying my family more. I learned that I was also suffering from something called Anhedonia. Anhedonia is the inability to experience pleasure from activities usually found enjoyable.This was finally when it clicked. It was day 3 of my IOP class when the facilitator mentioned this and when she did, I raised my hand and said, "um, I have that! What do I need to do to make it go away and make it better!?" I was so so so truly grateful that I had come to this class and made this realization. This was when they said going to this class, upping some medications to get some hormones back in balance, and learning how to cope will help me feel better.

I am happy to say that December 9th was my final day of my IOP program, and I was so grateful I went for those 2 weeks, everyday. It really helped me. I also am seeing my therapist twice a month and will continue to do so for a long time. Ashley- I know this might be a selfish service to you, but I want to thank you. Thank you for helping me realize this. Thank you for being an inspiration to me. Thank you for being a wonderful daughter of God. I wish I could express more of my feelings, thoughts, and love for you. But know that I love you, and if not for having you this year, I wouldn't have taken the time to take care of myself. Merry Christmas my sweet sister Ashley. I love you.